Rosicrucian Writings Online
What Occultism Has Done For MeBy Sro. Laura Jansen
[From The Rosicrucian Digest July 1930]
Under the circumstances, it is no wonder my brain tottered, that I was haunted with the thought of suicide, that I felt I had nothing left to live for--everything had been wantonly taken away from me.
Everything? Most people will immediately think of love in its relation to my life. No, everything in this instance was my career as a writer, ten years of effort swept away by the ruthless hand of deceit, ten years of struggle, of effort gone forever.
I won't bore you with the details of the thing. Suffice it to say that not only did I lose the fruits of ten years of effort--fruits, both financial and moral--but my reputation of integrity and honesty hung in the balance, my personal habits, my character were so blackened that I became practically a social outcast.
My nerves gave way. I became hysterical at the slightest provocation, I couldn't eat or sleep, I could only think of the great wrong that had been done to me--by one whom I had cherished for eight years as my friend and counselor.
I was bitter, I felt ugly inside and out, I believed that the whole world was against me; my hatred for the despoiler, for those who had believed her lies, suffused my being, poisoned me. People felt sorry for me, but they shunned me and no wonder! They said I was sulky, bad tempered, disagreeable. They were right, I was.
Nothing I wrote sold, nothing I attempted worked out; and I grew shabbier, and more desolate. And still that gnawing hatred pervading through me.
Having some research to do, I went to the Los Angeles Public Library, and picked up a copy of the Mystic Triangle, now the Rosicrucian Digest.
Rosicrucians! Occultism, reincarnation, fascinating mysteries! I immediately borrowed the money for my first fee--I needed shoes badly--and started to study.
Every Thursday, I watched for the mailman, every month I struggled to pay the small fee--in those days, even pennies counted.
Gradually, insidiously, I began to change. I saw the futility of hatred, of brooding; I no longer dwelled on the wrongs done to me, instead, I tried to redress some of the wrongs that had been done to others.
My shattered health was the hardest to rebuild--it is not normal yet--but my mental balance returned. I had been cheated out of the credit and the money due me for two good stories, I would write better ones. I had always believed that I could write, I would prove to all that I could, that I had written those stories, that they were mine, all my own.
I obtained work--started at the bottom of the ladder again--I had to win back the confidence of so many people, to prove to them my integrity time and time again, and to make them change the wrong impression they had gained of my personality.
Uphill work? I guess so, but satisfactory, with the new viewpoint gradually being reflected in my eyes, with the lines of bitterness and despair being slowly erased from my face. Of course, I slipped back into the old groove, doubt and foreboding assailed me at times, but those hours were getting shorter all along.
After two years, I can contemplate the self that I was during those heartbreaking months, when I was "slipping," both mentally and physically, and my soul seemed lost!
While I haven't had the time to study all the AMORC lectures as I would wish to, so as to benefit fully, yet the mere reading and absorbing of the wisdom of ages, as radiated by the Rosicrucians, has been tremendously helpful. My entire outlook on life has been changed. I am rebuilding my health along occult lines, I am learning to study and to use vibrations, my financial situation has improved and is constantly improving, I have regained the confidence I had lost, people again believe in me, and my literary career is shaping itself toward the eventual fulfillment of all my hopes.
My greatest ambition born of my studies, is to become such a finished student of the occult that I may be able, sometime, in the future, to teach others how to get the best out of life, how to make the most of themselves, physically, morally, and in every way, so they may reap all the happiness that comes from peace, contentment, and the feeling of duties well done.
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